I sit watching outside
Thru the glass
Thru the window
At others
Busy morning
People rushing
Powdered faces
Painted lips
Dull afternoon
People return
Faded faces
Naked lips
Dusk
Dust
Pitter patter
Rolling rain drops
Thru the glass
Thru the window
I watch
Life
Of
Others
With these doubts that burn inside
I wear this ring upon your wish
All purple and blue
Just nothing but poison.
It shall creep from these blossoms
Right into my veins
And spread , in a toxic diffusion
Even to fill my lips
It flows from my feet
Right across the lawn
The poison claims all life
Slow death as it spreads.
All poison
On our bridal bed
All poison
In words you say
All poison
Every day with you
All poison
I welcome you.
Just another normal night after work. It was quite late..almost one in the morning. I didn’t notice how time flew by as I had been engrossed in work, eyes glued to the glaring white screen, fingertips busy, mouse clicking. The hum of the AC was the only companion in the little dim office.
I felt tired. So damn tired. My face was oily by now, eyes looking tired. I must have had one of those dehydrated looks on me. It was too late to get into a taxi. If I could take a few shortcuts and end up on the main street I knew I could find it livelier.
The sound of my heels clicking on the bricks filled the desolate silent road. Occasional sound of bikes at breakneck speed in a distance startled me. I clung tightly to my fabric shoulder bag, which swayed with every step I took. I only longed to reach home, strip, soak under a cold shower and slip under the sheets on my comfortable bed.
I turned into a lane. In a distance I could see the blue Primary School. It was one shortcut I decided to take. Being short sighted I can only make out the blue paint on the iron gates at the end of the road.
It was only then I felt it.
That sound… quite eerie.
I paused for a moment
And felt it again.
Taking careful, hesitating steps, I moved closer.
I knew it was waiting.
It looked more like dense smoke. Just before the blue gate.
Like thick fog, not moving at all.
It looked alive.
It waited.
I felt as if thousands of electric shocks had passed through me. My pulse quickened. My heart beat filled my head with its haunting drum beats. Mouth went dry.
Yet, I didn’t want to turn back. Be it my daring nature, or my curiosity. Or my strength. I didn’t want to give in.
I took another step towards it.
The thick-white-whatever-it –was, beckoned.
I paused.
Here we are. Nature Vs Nature. Face to face.
I felt this sudden urge in me to go through it.
What have I got to lose? I’ve experienced more difficulty on the face of this earth. I’ve suffered numerous pains. Shed such tormented tears. Have been through the dark side of life. Bruised. Broken. Blue. What have I ?
What I did next, I would never understand.
Lifting up my arms from each side to my shoulder level, my heart beating much harder.. I faced it.
Take me!
The next moment, it felt as if the world exploded. The full force that hit me nearly broke me to particles. The dead weight of it that hit against me, stopped my breathing. I felt the pain sear through my heart. My lungs exploding to breathe. The gush of air that passed around me deafened my ears. I felt sucked into this massive pulsing smoke that enveloped me in its arms. The strong wind, ruffled my clothes, trying to rip my hair from my scalp. My eyes shut tight against it. I was screaming inside.. with pain..with the need of oxygen..to breathe..to break free.
Take me. !
The wind, boiled and swiveled around me. Then I felt the sharp needles pricking into my skin.
Rain.
As sudden as it could ever be, the sky opened .
Purify me!
The rain fell harder.
The smoke must have dissolved. The rain soaked me immediately.
Finally I opened my eyes. The rain stopped as suddenly as it had come.
Silence and darkness filled the lane.
Not a soul around.
I turned around in a circle, trying to comprehend what had happened a second ago. There was nothing to be seen. Just an empty lane. Everyone asleep.
Scattered around me were yellow and brown leaves from trees. The bricks damp.
Perplexed. I walked home. Much faster.
Tonight you arrive,
Finally we unite.
Tonight we meet again,
After days of being apart.
My pulse
Fast with anticipation
My thoughts
Wild with imagination
For tonight,
You’ll be here my love,
Moments to be cherished
Words to be spoken
Emotions to communicate
Tonight.
My room will be perfumed,
Candles lit for your presence
The bed made
And me,
Here.
Tonight, is yet to come
Tonight.
Tonight
Just tonight.
And thus the world, suspended in a dull celestial womb, enclosing depths and secrets, emotions and temptations, Sin and purity – has been born.
The silence filled the air; the greens brought calmness to his impatient soul. He hadn’t met anyone on this journey – a journey to find answers hence he may predict his future. His heels sore from making it across the rocky hills and mountains, yet he did not succumb. He was close. He could almost see the dark alley, with mountains looming in their massive shadows. He shall find her there, and then he would surely know.
As if the God had decided so suddenly, a blanket of darkness fell. Fright weighed heavily in his heart – Has his end arrived?.. No souls around but him, his sins heavy on his shoulders, had done unjust indeed to the very one who salvaged his death of identity. His feet heavy on the now cold stony and soggy uneven ground, his arm outstretched in the blinding darkness he proceeded. His hungry craving thirst will never rest until he knows… or I shall die alone, I shall die alone, still wanting.
And thus from the darkness rose the most blinding golden light. With wings so light and bright, her hair so golden, and eyes so magical – she fluttered around him. The whole globe brightened and basked in this golden sunlight, this inhuman fairy, so transparent, his anecdote.
Speechless he stood, mesmerized by this golden halo, encased in this deep abyss of darkness of a moment ago; his insecurity peaked wanting to claim his innocence as he always does.
She stood right in front of him, and he could see the distant bushes, right through her, in the light she burned.
“Speak your mind O pilgrim.
Had thee taken this pain
to know what thee already know?
Thou heart I can see beats with guilt and poison
Haven’t thee killed a living soul?”
His mouth so dry, his words turned to ash. The knees so weak he trembled. He sat . So still. And then began his tale.
“ I have done unjust.
I have been blind.
I always wanted to be known
Celebrated, Famous, Vanity
All.
I hath wanted the most beautiful faces
And I do own my wife
So lost I was in her
That greed, was I got her”
“Oh I do know what beauty she adorns,
Yet was not that before
Thee took another away
For the mere beauty eyes bestowed
Was that not thou first flaw?”
He sighed. Hard to tell the truth, but there was no other way. She, who stood in glow knows it all and he had cometh to cleanse his sin. Be brave, Just say.
“The very first… I did throw her away
Did her unjust to have my crave
She was as plain and honest
And God, she loved me
So much care she did give
Patience she did have
Yet it took a minute to turn my back
Since I saw the next beauty”
He raised his chin, so did his voice.
“But she does well now
In riches and in fame
Learned she is,
Did I not bring her luck?”
The glow brightened a hectic red and faded light.
“Can thee measure her pain?
Can thee see her tears?
How broken a soul
Wept so in bed,
If I drown thee in a sea
That would not do equal a sliver
For she wept a world
Of hurt from her wounds”
Cold fog crept around. He shuddered. Darkness haunted him, much more than his pain. It seared through his heart. Suspended him in mid air, his cries would scare the wolves and he fell back hard on stones.
He bled from his nose; he tasted it in his mouth.
“Pain” She fluttered. “Feel her pain” Her voice cut through the night so shrill so sharp.
He gasped and moaned. The tears he couldn’t help. Is this how I will suffer?
With one movement of her hand, he was up. The pain gone, calm and relieved.
“ And the last
What reason had thee
Did she not burn that fire
Did she not salvage ?”
He remembered. It was him who found her, It was him who encouraged her, and yet in the end…
“She was sent, directly
For creed to fulfill greed
She brought the light
She was all thy dreams”
He squeezed his lids and softly cried. “ I did not know”
“Used her. Basked in her light
Hope in her heart
Endless promises and lies
She did stand by
So pure her love
So gentle her touch
Had she not made success
Only for thou
Broken she bleeds
Threw her away
Do thee deserve to be human
For killing her life?
For ages thous’t cursed
Shall crave her hand
Shall crave her words
Her breath,
Her eyes.
Leave O degenerate,
To thy children
To thy wife
And thou shalt die
Alone
The last whispered breath
Shall still call for her
Such thirst
For thy poison”
The sobs racked him. True. The memories come haunting. Every dark night, every moonlit moment, every bit of sunshine. He sees her, he dreams, he hallucinates. Duly punished for his sins.
“Do I not deserve again?” He sobbed.
She smiled.
“Creep, feed
Sting
And kill
Thou sting thou poison.
The scorpion of mankind
Ungrateful, selfish
Thou kilst thy life
Careful when thou sting”
The world then encased in pure heavy darkness. On his knees, cold, alone- he cried.
He cried till the blue morning light touched the ground.
The voices speak
Retaliate
The waiting peaks
Re- create
Toxic memories
Horrific smiles
Deadly laughter
Pungent looks
And the wounds open
And I bleed
And the eyes fill up
And I cry
Sentimental Blues
Tempting Pain
Functional Errors
Pregnant Silence.
And the wounds open
And I bleed
And the eyes fill up
And I cry
And I scream
In the Dark
And I feel
For I curse
All the people
Who had taken
Just a piece
And left a wound
That don’t heal
And the wounds open
And I bleed
And the eyes fill up
And I cry
“Do you hear that?”
The skinny brown girl asked her friend. Her thick straight hair braided and tied with her school ribbon. Her deepset strong eyes wide, she looked at her friend. Both were in their school uniforms, in their classroom. They should be in the library with the other students.
“No. I can’t hear anything”, said her friend.
“It’s here.” She closed her eyes and seemed to concentrate. “There!” she opened her eyes and darted to the far wall. She pressed her palm so gently against the wall and then smiled.
“It’s here”. She pressed her ear to the wall and closed her eyes. And smiled again.
Her friend followed her movements and repeated it, but she couldn’t feel anything.
“What is it?” She asked.
The deep eyes met hers. “Electricity”.
*************************************************************************************
That was when she was twelve. She has completely tried not to respond to her strange “sense”after that. And now, after fifteen years, it has overpowered her mind. She had to read a book only once and all the catchy lines and page numbers get recorded to her memory – the best part is she can quote word to word.
People would say it is a gift, but it overwhelms her sometimes. Words and phrases just slips out of her mouth, leaving her scared. The last time she freaked out was when she was talking to him. His eyes- she picked up a message in them and she knew. She knew she will not want to see him again. It felt as if something exploded inside her. Swallowing her shock, fright and tenseness, she tried to smile and finally it was over.
Weirdest thing is the power to remember.She had no trouble quoting literary extracts and Shakespeare in college, nor the management theorists, or the physics.
Once the teacher had read out a principle and she blurted out “Latent Heat of Fusion – Explaining Physics – By S Pople- Page…” The teacher was awestruck, and she – open mouthed.
“I uh don’t know where that came from”. And with a faltered smile, she promised to keep her mouth shut in class. But it wasn’t easy. During the bio lab experiment, being asked a question she blurted out half the text and page number as casually as reading out her phone number. And the fact that stood out was- she wasn’t studious. While others freaked and fretted over exam, she spends more time sleeping.
One thing she never want to remember is dates. Numbers- she hated them but remembering the page numbers could be due to the reason, being told that “You have a photographic mind”. That explains why she can remember a person from past, what he/she wore/ what colour it was/ any text written on what they were wearing, any words spoken in between.
She rememebered what her 4th grade English teacher once wore.
Sometimes it scares me. No one would understand me. If this is a gift there must be a use. I want to forget certain things. I look at people and sometimes I know what they are about.
For instance, just before a major sign off at her company, she ran into the Director at the lift lobby. She felt such strong sense of vibes smack her so hard that she stood stunned for a while. In a minute she was on the phone with the Head. “I don’t feel right about him. Something is not right”. Of-course, no one believed her, but within a week, they found that half a million has been scraped off from the firm, and by none other.
I can hear sounds people cannot. I can feel vibes people emit. I can sense the changes and I see themselves reflected in their eyes… why do I have this? I walk down the street and the frequency in the power lines are sometimes deafening. The flick of a formula, or a theory or the periodic table itself may suddenly pop up on my mind…isn’t this awfully strange? Are there others like me?
I can’t find much use of this strangeness. But it gives me a sense of sensitivity on imagination. I can close my eyes and paint the wind with hazy purple, the sky with a sunset hue and baby blue. The ground with soft rhythmic green. I can imagine myself barefoot and walking soundlessly. Is this my only power? In this wild world, left with nothing but this? Me and My imagination. It’s more than enough. I can create my needs, my dreams and my hopes just by closing my eyes.
It’s my bubble. Balanced, free and floating. May no one burst it.
She came to me with her questions,
Curious as ever, wanting, asking
What makes mommy smile
And what makes the tears.
I took her tiny hand in mine
Stroked her hair n kissed her cheek.
This sweet angel is going the seek,
The world that lay ahead, in miles
Dear child, this little world
Is bigger than you think,
And with smiles and joy
There are tears and pain.
There are hills and meadows
Mountains and cliffs
Rivers and seas
Sun and rain.
There are falls and slips,
Scars and wounds,
Flowers fade, my child
And trees die
Winds change
So will you.
But all the beauty lies within
This little heart of yours
You can have the loveliest
Dreams of all.
Live them,
For mommy can’t say
What’s in store, for
This little angel of mine.
The heat was unbearable. Sweat soaked my head, making my hair stick to my scalp. I had already stripped down to shorts, feeling so yucky. The walk from office was terrible. Finally home sweet home is so cool.
The doorbell rang. One of my friends, dropping in to cool herself out. I let her in. I don’t really really know her, but she is a med student who once needed my help in one of her assignments. After that we stick around, talking, going out shopping and stuff, girl talk etc.
Her expression obviously screamed tension. Once we were sitting down with our ice tea’s I asked her what was bothering her.
“Don’t get mad with me please. It was just coincidence.” She averted my eyes.
“Oh , what is it? “ My curiosity raced in my blood.
“He um, you know, he .. we kind of..” She hesitated.
“He who? What are you talking about?”
“He um, your ex boyfriend ..the one you broke up with ..Well we met. Kind of. I mean on sms and phone calls so far.”
I took a deep breath. Felt like someone had just banged my heart. Suddenly I felt dizzy.
“I mean I know the whole story. I know how far things went and how much he hurt you. And I never intended to get involved. It’s just we met over the Internet. I didn’t tell him that we know each other.” Her voice was heavy with guilt.
“That’s good. Don’t tell him you know me. Just pretend.” I stared at her for a moment. “How do you feel about this?”
“He’s nice. Says the right things. Sends me songs. Sms are in a way like that he cares. I .. I think I’m falling for him.” Her eyes met mine. Scared.
“I don’t mind. If it’s quite good between you two. I’m not spiteful or anything.” If I’m not, why do I feel so low? Haven’t I got over him? The mere thought of him close with my friend makes me feel…..feel like rain?
“He asked me to meet him tonight. His place.” A glimmer of excitement in her eyes didn’t escape my glance.
“He’s a very romantic guy. Just breaking a few hearts doesn’t mean a thing to him. You know he will never leave her right? It’s not easy being the other woman. But if you feel good about it, go for it. I don’t want you hurt and broken.”
“I don’t know. He tells me things are going to be fine. I know. And I don’t feel any jealousy towards his wife. I think he means what he says.” She touched my hand; somehow I really didn’t feel her.
“Whatever happens, just don’t tell him you know me. And I really hope things will be fine between you two. Just be careful”.
In a few minutes, relieved and gleeful, she departed.
Minutes later, I stood under the shower, the cold needles of water on my face.
It’s been a while. I’m Ok. I’ve got over. I don’t mind.
Why am I telling myself this.. in this quiet empty home I’m fine , am i not?
I closed my eyes and tried to remember. I tried. I tried. All I could make out was a dark shadow. I couldn’t even remember his face!
I’m forgetting. I’m moving on.
The water ran down my body, and to my feet and down the drain. The tears that ran down from my closed lids dissolved with the water and became one. I could only think of the words…
When you see her sweet smile baby
Don’t think of me
When she lays in your warm arms
Don’t think of me
And it’s too late and it’s too bad
Don’t think of me
Oh it’s too late and it’s too bad
Don’t think of me
Does it bother you now all the mess I made
Does it bother you now the clothes you told me not to wear
Does it bother you now all the angry games we played
Does it bother you now when I’m not there
When you see her sweet smile baby
Don’t think of me
When she lays in your warm arms
Don’t think of me
And it’s too late and it’s too bad
Don’t think of me
Oh it’s too late and it’s too bad
Don’t think of me
“Don’t Think Of Me” – DIDO
Here I am
In my darkest cave
With my private thoughts
In my secret Place
There you live
In your private cave
In your darkest thoughts
In your secret Place
Through the wires
We connect
You read my fears
I read your tears
Through the wires
I feel your pain
I feel your fears
I feel your tears
The world we share
Though it’s strange
None understands
It’s only words we share
Through the wires
We connect
You read my fears
When I’m in tears
Through the wires
I feel your pain
I feel your fears
I feel your tears
The reason we stay
In our secret world
In our darkest thoughts
In our private cave
You’re my secret hiding place,
where my private thoughts are safe
And I’m your secret holder,
Where your private thoughts are safe.
